Two weeks ago as my husband and I rang in New Year’s and said goodbye to a year of change and trial, my husband whispered to me, “We have a whole 11 months ahead of us…” and I knew what he meant. I was sitting there in tears knowing that we just finished yet another holiday season as a family of just 2. He was reminding me that we had 11 whole months before the holiday season struck again. Hopefully this holiday season will be the season that either a little one arrives, or is at least on the way.

We’ve lost two. We lost one May of 2014 and another in September of 2015. It was painful this past holiday season as we both were thinking that we should be celebrating as a family of 3, with one more on the way. It’s soul-crushing. A lot of people don’t realize that the loss of the pregnancy carries on for so long.

For the last year and a half we’ve thought about a lot of things as it relates to building our family. We’ve talked about having our own child, we’ve talked about adoption, we’ve even talked about foster care / foster adoption. We’ve realized we don’t really care how we become parents – whether through birth or adoption – so long as we have a family.

Brandon has mentioned that perhaps we should consider consulting a doctor or visiting a fertility specialist in case there is a problem but I’m not at that point yet. I keep thinking that if that time comes…I’ll know. I’m just not at the point where I feel like I need to involve any specialists. Somehow it feels, I don’t know, defeated maybe? It feels like you’re such a failure, as a human being, when you’re unable to do something that seems so, well, normal.

So many people reach out trying to be encouraging and hopeful. They say thing like not to stress because stressing makes it worse or that they just know it will happen soon. I know they mean well, and it’s sweet to know that people care. It’s just still so tough when we all we want is to add to our little family.

I’m praying over it friends. We’re considering all of our options and trying to just listen and let God lead our hearts down the path we’re supposed to take.

It’s just tough, you know?